Immediately upon receiving my coaching certification I began volunteering at CTC (The Career Transition Center) downtown Chicago. Here I did one-on-one coaching with people in job search or “in transition” as it is referred to these days.
One day, a new client walked into my office, he was a large man with a large presence. His life had consisted of football and more football as a player, a coach and a fan… and you could tell.
He sat in my office and discussed life and the struggles of being “in transition”. He dove into all of the emotions that came with this part of his journey. He often got choked up and every week his eyes would tear up and he would cry just talking through everything. The emotional toll that being unemployed took on him was apparent and growing as the weeks progressed. One week he stopped talking and held his face in his hands and started sobbing. He told me that one of their two cars had been repossessed this week, and their house was now in the beginning stages of being foreclosed on.
Each week as he cried, I listened.
He talked about his wife being sick, she has MS. He talked about the additional stress her illness added to his list of things to worry about. He talked about his daughters, ages 18 and 20 at that time. The bills for college and the bills that came with everyday life. He talked about how close and how loving and supportive they were as a family. He painted a beautiful picture. But still each week he would sit in my office and cry because of all of the stress and uncertainly. He would cry about his fears and his insecurity about who he was and what was going to happen next for his career and for his family.
One day he came in and sat down and began to tell me that he was worried about his wife, she told him the she felt he was disappearing, that she felt he was pulling away from her. I have to say I was surprised to hear that she would say that after all the stories about how supportive and close they were.
So I asked him, “what does she say when you tell her all the stuff you tell me about how scared you are and how insecure you feel and how worried you are about the future?” He said “Oh, no! I don’t talk to her about all that!” I was shocked “why?” I asked “Because I am trying to protect her.” he said in a very matter-of-fact way “Hmmm, protect her from what? You come in here week after week and talk about your fears. You sit in front of me each week and cry because you are so scared. How can you tell me and not your wife? She knows your car has been repossessed, she knows your house is in foreclosure, what are you protecting her from?“
He sat and thought about it for a while. His athletic, football physic was now all slumped over in the chair looking very much like that of a 5 year old boy feeling scared, guilty and shameful. He looked past me – almost through me, staring blankly at the wall for a while.
I sat in silence observing him.
Eventually he looked back at me and kind of smiled and winced at the same time… “I really don’t know.” he said, shrugging his shoulders adding to the childlike behavior he had transformed into.
I looked at him, as the tears rolled down his face, I smiled and said “Your wife knows you are scared, unsure and afraid of the unknown, but you are not talking to her about it and that scares her and makes her feel like you are drifting away. She can feel that disconnect and that scares her more then losing your car or your home. She would probably live with you in a tent in an empty field.” I told him to go home and tell her… I told him to tell her everything he was scared of.
To tell a person you love all of your fears and insecurities and have them put their arms around you and love you anyway, that is unconditional love… that is what we are all here to experience.
So, the next week he came into my office and closed the door. Before he even sat down his eyes were filled with tears. He started by thanking me for the most amazing gift of his life. He sat down and began telling me about what happened after he left my office that day.
He left questioning what I told him, but soon thought that it made sense. After all, what did he have to lose. So he asked his wife and daughters too, to sit down so he could talk to them. He said opening his mouth to begin to speak was one of the hardest things he had ever done. He continued to explain that as he started talking, as the words came out of his mouth, it soon became the easiest thing he had ever done. As he started telling them about all of his fears, insecurities and worries about the future, they all moved in and gathered closer together. As she watched her football player husband cry for the first time ever and as his daughters saw their father in a brand new light, they moved in closer and put their hands on him. Soon their arms were around him. They listened as he spoke from his heart. They listened as his voice cracked as he talked through his tears. He said by the time he was finished they were all crying, but they were also all sitting together, arms wrapped around each other sharing their fears and reassuring each other that no matter what, they would all be fine.
Unconditional love… He opened up and allowed himself to be completely vulnerable, he told the people he loved his fears and they loved him anyway.
Over the next few weeks he was still looking for a job and still unsure about his future, but what he was sure of was that he is loved…
He said it was true, his wife said she would live in a tent on an open field with him any day. He thanked me again, but I told him that he did all the work, I just suggested he give vulnerability a try.
So, it seems… even football players cry.
Getting Unstuck 